Dear Coleen
A very good friend of mine, who’s 42, recently threw her husband out for cheating. She found out he’d been having an affair for nearly a year. He’s now moved in with the other woman and my friend is on her own in the family home with their two children.
She’s such a great person – gorgeous inside and out – but she’s lost the plot a bit. She’s taken to wearing quite revealing outfits and she looks great, but they’re skimpy nonetheless.
She’s also going out drinking and socialising a lot. In fact, within a couple of weeks of finding out about the affair, she put herself on several dating sites and meets up with guys all the time for dates and sex. I’ve never thought of myself as prudish, but some of her stories are crazy. She says all the guys she meets have one thing on their mind: sex!
She seems okay on the surface, but I don’t think she is deep down; I think she’s very hurt and humiliated by what’s happened. I know I need to tread carefully with her, though, as she’s fragile emotionally. What advice can you give?
Coleen says
This is all a reaction to what’s happened. He’s made her feel rubbish about herself and killed her self-esteem, so she’s going all out to prove to the world (but mainly herself) that she’s still an attractive woman and people still find her sexy.
She’s also sending out a message to her ex: “Look how sexy I am. Look how much fun I’m having”.
I think she’s got to go through it so, as long as she’s being careful and safe, and if it’s fun, just let her have this moment.
We all do things when relationships end to find ourselves again, especially if there’s been someone else involved and our confidence is crushed.
For your friend, that means going a bit wild, but she won’t keep it up; she’ll slow down, she’ll tone down the dress code, and she’ll become a bit more discerning about men and how many dates she goes on. This is part of her process after years of marriage and after being hurt.
Just be there for her to listen when she needs to vent and to offer help with the kids when you can. When you separate from a partner and find yourself a single parent, the juggle is real. Be there as her safety net.
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