ALL last week, we were warned that we’d need to tie our dogs down because they were going to be sucked into the sky by the airborne twister- tsunami known as Storm Eeowowyion.
This mega storm was going to unleash hell. Buildings would be smashed, trains would be blown over. Forests would be flattened.
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Dramatic weather warnings led to widespread precautions and shutdowns – only for the day to turn out a bit breezy for many areas (if not all)Credit: Reuters
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We were warned that we’d need to tie our dogs down because they were going to be sucked into the sky and entire forests flattenedCredit: Getty
The weathermen were very clear about all of this. They even produced maps showing the low-pressure system and, to hammer the point home, they didn’t use reds and yellows. They broke out the scarlets and a purple so deep it was almost black.
And as a result, businesses arranged to shut for the day, travel plans were changed and everyone made sure their garden trampolines were chained to newly sunk concrete foundations.
And then we woke up yesterday morning to find it was a bit breezy.
The weathermen were all standing on the bottom corner of Ireland, making out like they were in Hiroshima in 1945 and there were stories that commercial airliners were coming across the Atlantic at speeds in excess of 800 mph.
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But for most of us, there was no real weather at all.
I also lived through the Storm of ’87 and I’ve been to southern Chile where it rains, heavily, all day and every day for six months.
Look, I know why the weather- men like to get hysterical. It means they are elevated from a slot at the end of a news bulletin into the bulletin itself and this makes their mums and dads very proud.
And I know why BBC television producers like the histrionics as well.
It plays into the anti-Tory, anti-growth, anti-business global-warming narrative.
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When warned of a ‘danger to life’, it feels as unclear as a ‘falling rocks’ road signCredit: Getty
But for everyone else, it’s just a bloody nuisance.
When you tell us there is a “danger to life”, what are we supposed to do exactly? It’s like those road signs you see sometimes that say “falling rocks”.
Dramatic moment lorry flips on A1 as Storm Eowyn batters Scotland
Yes? And? Do you want me to turn round and go home? Or drive more quickly? Or fit the car with a titanium umbrella before proceeding?
Humans are surprisingly adaptable. I’ve worked in the Sahara Desert when the daytime temperature never dropped below 50C and I’ve operated in the exact opposite of that at the North Pole.
I also lived through the Storm of ’87 and I’ve been to southern Chile where it rains, heavily, all day and every day for six months.
And it’s always fine. We cope.
I will admit, of course, that the weather is changing. In Britain, it’s getting warmer and wetter, and we get more wind than we’d like.
But we can, and do, manage.
So, please, in future calmly tell us what the weather will do tomorrow so we’ll know in the morning if we should put on a jumper. And then leave it at that.
Oh, and can we stop giving storms names no one can pronounce.
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Emily Damari, the British hostage held by Hamas terrorists in Gaza for 15 months, who was finally released this week
WHEN Emily Damari, the British hostage held by Hamas terrorists in Gaza for 15 months, was finally released this week, she must have been over the moon with joy and excitement.
But I bet Emily was a bit sad when she discovered how her beloved Spurs had been getting along in her absence . . .
Will life at Ferrari suit Lewis?
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Surely, if Lewis Hamilton truly wanted his eighth title, he’d focus on the car, not photo opsCredit: PA
IT could be argued that Lewis Hamilton wants a record-breaking eighth world championship before he retires, and moved to Ferrari because he reckons that this year they will have the fastest car.
He may have a point. Early indications on the rumour mill suggest it’s very fast indeed.
However, if he’s so keen on that eighth world title, you’d imagine that he’d have arrived at the factory on day one, keen to know the car’s secrets and how he can extract the most from its vast arsenal of racing trickery.
Instead, he turned up in an SUV in a suit and tie and posed for pictures before talking to fans, under the watchful eye of a video drone which luckily was there to capture the moment.
Next, there was a tour of the team’s headquarters where, in slow motion, we saw the fawning engineers and the applause. And then, eventually, he went on to the track, in an F1 Ferrari that’s three years old.
I’m told his new house isn’t anywhere near the team’s HQ. It’s in Milan, and he doesn’t even commute in a Ferrari road car, choosing instead to use Fiat’s helicopter.
It made me wonder. What is Lewis now? A driver? Or a superstar?
What I do know is he’ll have his work cut out to beat his team-mate Charles Leclerc, who speaks Italian, knows the team, doesn’t spend quite so long posing for pictures and, thanks to a single-lap shootout, is regarded by many to be the fastest driver of them all.
Maybe Lewis is aware of this. And maybe he signed for Ferrari for a different reason – he knows he’s past his prime now and he didn’t want to retire having never driven for motorsport’s crown jewel.
Either way, I wish him well.
Adolf is odd call
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In Germany, strict naming rules prevent names like ‘Lucifer’ but oddly they allow ‘Adolf’ — proving you’re not a neo-Nazi, of courseCredit: Getty – Contributor
AS we know, the Germans love their rules.
You are not allowed to drive a car in the nude, it’s illegal to have an urn in your house, and you face a hefty fine if you run out of petrol on the autobahn.
So it’s no surprise to learn you can’t call your child any name that pops into your head. There are rules about that too.
A name should reflect the baby’s gender, and it shouldn’t expose the child to potential ridicule.
Which is why, this week, a young couple were informed that they would not be allowed to call their baby “Lucifer”.
Other names that aren’t allowed include Satan, Pain, Vagina, Gucci and Lenin.
But weirdly, you are allowed to call your baby Adolf, providing neither parent is a neo-Nazi.
Which does beg a question. If you’re not a neo-Nazi, why would you name your son after Hitler? That’d be like me naming a baby “Keir” or “Rachel”.
Fax are sacred
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Tokyo’s ‘museum of extinct technology’ showcases outdated gadgets, but not the still popular fax machineCredit: Getty
TOKYO has just seen the opening of something called the “museum of extinct technology”.
It’s rammed full of floppy discs and VHS recorders and iPads and CD players and all sorts of other things which, a few years ago, were seen as cool and important and here to stay.
Interestingly, however, you won’t find a fax machine in there. Because despite Japan’s reputation for being at the cutting edge of tech, businesses over there still routinely use faxes as a means of communicating.
In the same way, I guess, that half of Britain’s middle classes still use Agas. Which are ovens that cost a fortune to run, and can’t ever be turned off.
Recipe to kill pubs
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Rising costs, staff shortages, and new regulations are making it harder for pubs to survive, leaving many villages without a community hubCredit: Instagram/thefarmersdogpub
AS I’ve been discovering in recent months, it is extremely difficult to make a pub profitable.
The rot started with the smoking ban, which forced the nation’s fun people into the wind and the rain until it dawned on them that staying at home for a smoke and a pint was easier.
Then came Brexit which caused huge staff shortages, and the sudden rise in energy costs which means cooking a poached egg now costs £15,000.
Then we got Rachel Reeves and her madcap ideas on National Insurance.
And now comes news they’re thinking of lowering the drink-drive limit to a point where a spoonful of sherry trifle will be enough to put you on the bus for 12 months.
I wish they’d back off, because the fact is this.
You don’t have a village school any more, or a village bobby or a village doctor. If the village pub has to close as well, what’s left?